The road to recovery
The Reporter speaks to London Partner Chris McGarry about his recovery from addiction, building self-esteem via a 12-step program, and how it’s inspiring him to launch a new charity, Awesome Minds.
Alcoholism is often described as a disease but, for London Partner Chris McGarry, it was a symptom of an underlying disease – his low self-esteem.
“Alcohol helped me to overcome my low self-esteem and social phobia in my teens and twenties,” he explains. “It was the magic potion that gave me the confidence I otherwise lacked.
“I struggled with my self-esteem from a young age. Instead of developing inner resilience, I developed esteem externally by doing well academically and in sports. So, while I may have seemed successful and confident, I was struggling beneath the surface and felt uncomfortable in everyday situations.”
“It was the magic potion that gave me the confidence I otherwise lacked.”
Chris was born in England in 1977 to Scottish parents before moving to the United States when he was three years old. His family returned to England in the mid-80s and he went to a traditional English school before university in Edinburgh, all of which contributed to Chris’s difficulty in developing identity and self-esteem as he struggled to build a sense of belonging.
He says: “As with many addicts, I felt like I hadn’t been given the secret manual to life; discovering alcohol made me feel like I belonged for the first time.
“At university there would be occasional nights when I’d drink too much and not remember how the evening ended, but it wasn’t until my 20s when I was working as a lawyer at Clifford Chance that these incidents became more frequent and I realized it was a problem.”
Chris’s mother died in 2005 and, combined with the long hours he was putting in at work, the loss hit him hard.
He says: “I was really close to my mum and was working 60 to 70-hour weeks, so my antidote was to leave work late on a Friday and go straight to a club to see my friends.
“This led to a culture of heavy weekend binge drinking and I was increasingly waking up unable to remember things.”
Concerned, but still laboring under the delusion that he could control the problem on his own, Chris cut back his drinking to special occasions and went to some exploratory meetings of a 12-step program.
The controlled drinking seemed to work for about a year but, shortly after getting married, Chris thought he could have one more big night out.
“That evening was the turning point,” he says. “When I woke up on 15 August 2008 with no recollection of how the night before had ended, the delusion that my will power alone could deal with the problem was finally shattered. It was my first big step on my journey of recovery.”
Chris describes that morning as the moment he discovered the gift of desperation (GOD).
He says: “I can only describe it as a miracle. On that morning in 2008, the desire to drink was lifted out of me.
“Having been unable to get through a single social occasion in my teens and twenties without alcohol, I can honestly say I haven’t wanted a drink since.”
Awesome minds
Chris is teaming up with former World Cup winning cricketer Sarah Taylor to start a new charity, Awesome Minds.
Chris says: “I remember listening to Sarah being interviewed just after she’d won the World Cup in 2017.
“She talked candidly about her struggles with low self-esteem and social phobia and it was inspiring to see someone at the top of her game being so open and honest about it. When I met Sarah last year, we identified with each other immediately, despite having different addictions, since we have the same underling illness. The conversation developed over the weeks into us chatting about starting a charity together.”
When Awesome Minds is launched in 2020, it will serve as a portal, linking people to organizations that can help them fight their addiction or mental health issue.
“We want to destigmatize mental health in the same way that the culture around LGBT+ has become so much more supportive and inclusive in recent years,” says Chris.
“Since I outed myself as a recovered addict, the Firm has been brilliant in supporting me and my work with Sarah. I know that there will be many people at the Firm suffering, thinking that their situation is hopeless and to anyone thinking that, this holiday period would be a great time to try a 12-step program.”
Chris joined a 12-step program and went through steps one to three with his first sponsor, but he didn’t progress to step four for several years.
He says: “My disease was still deluding me to think that I was somehow unique, special or different to other addicts and that I didn’t need to do all the steps.
“But, in 2011, I got a second gift of desperation, which made me realize that I wasn’t unique, special and different and that I needed to complete the steps to tackle my underlying illness.
“Since I outed myself as a recovered addict, the Firm has been brilliant in supporting me and my work with Sarah.”
“I appreciated that I’d spent years convincing myself I wasn’t afraid of anything or masking it with alcohol when, in fact, I was terrified of everyday situations.
“Admitting that was an important step in taking me to the next level of my recovery when I really started to examine what lay behind my former addiction.
“I started working with a new sponsor who asked me to write down a list of the things in my life that were beyond my wildest dreams and to look back at everyone who had harmed me, so we could find out what had been harmed.
“I remember thinking, what does this have to do with alcoholism? I now realize that this was the first time in my life that I had started to define the boundaries of the real me rather than those of my fragile external ego.
“When I wrote out my list, I realized that the things I wanted in life were states of being rather than anything material, for example, completing the 12 steps, learning to be comfortable in everyday situations, being a good father, helping fellow sufferers and being a good teacher at work and beyond.”
Despite the fact Chris hasn’t craved an alcoholic drink since 2008, he still attends his 12-step program meetings.
He says: “Something I noticed early on was that there are 12-step programs for every type of addictive behaviour, all with the same 12 steps.
“People ask me why I still go when I haven’t had a craving since 2008 and my answer is that I don’t take my recovery for granted.
“Although I’ve recovered from my physical addiction, I still suffer from the disease of low self-esteem, which I am able to treat with the tools I developed through doing the steps, one of which is helping other addicts.
“I start and end each day with prayer and meditation, not asking for material things, but asking the God of my understanding to remove my defects of character and for knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry it out.
“Thanks to the 12 steps, I learned a long time ago that trying to run my life on willpower alone doesn’t work and leads to misery, so I’ve handed it over to my higher power.
“When I remember to do that, I am unafraid and I’ve found that, when I give to the world, the world gives to me.”
Chris, who joined the Firm in 2017, believes that joining a 12-step program has been essential to his recovery and advises anyone suffering with addiction to try it.
He says: “If you don’t think you have a problem, but others do, remember that denial is an incredibly powerful thing which all addicts suffer from. So, if anything in your life is causing you or your loved ones concern, try to open yourself up to the idea that you could be addicted.
“Whatever it is that you’re addicted to (be it a chemical or a behavior), there is a 12-step program for you.
“You are not unique, special and different (that is the disease talking) and there are millions of others just like you who have got better as a result of working a 12-step program. It worked for me and my life has been on an upward trajectory on every level since completing the steps. The greatest gift by far was finding out who I am.”
